Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
