and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
