It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
