i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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