i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
