I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have post one night stand depression
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
