I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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