Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
