jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
