That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
