New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
