Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
