Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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