I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
