you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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