My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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