So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
