Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
