Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
