i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
