Cold hands, warm shart.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
