absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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