I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
