What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
