i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
