that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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