I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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