This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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