Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
