Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Green mimosas i think yes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think my moral compass just broke
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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