I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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