Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
