The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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