He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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