What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
