She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
