There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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