1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
