Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
