my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
