1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize