I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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