At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I can't put those talents on a resume
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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