You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
