worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
