You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
