non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
