It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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