There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
