When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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