I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
