Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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