Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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