I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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