my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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