Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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