i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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