I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I want her autograph on my taint
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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