Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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